I want to start by saying I’m about to be totally honest, vulnerable and sincere.
I have felt stuck and aimless. I have felt off and not like myself. The people who know me best in this world know that I hate feeling trapped and when it happens I do one of two things: my walls go up, and I pour myself into something else, so I am entirely shut off from what is hurting or what is hard. The second is I want to run away from all the things i.e responsibilities and this whole adulating thing. I plan a trip or come up with a grand idea of where I am going to jet off to and never return (my roommate recently experienced this with me when I decided I was going to up and leave for Hawaii, but alas I am still here in Chattanooga). Over the past couple of weeks, I've had thoughts swirling in my head.
It all started after a trip to my roommate/bestie gal's hometown to stay with her mom for the weekend. Her mom is a goal setter and a goal go-getter. The type of person I admire and whom I have always aspired to be. She made us watch this video by Mel Robbins, and it shook me to my core. She talks about how as humans we all struggle with one problem: hesitation. We have an idea, but we hesitate. We want to say something or share something, but we hesitate. I am a chronic hesitator. I always have been, and with my blog, I've learned that is no different. Robbins has coined this idea of the 5-second rule. Something she deployed in her life when she felt like she was struggling to get out of bed and go after the things that made her feel alive. Before she could doubt or hesitate or make up an excuse, she would count down from 5 and then make her move. Here I am going on about 3 weeks later, but I've decided I want to count down from 5 and that starts with this letter. I want to get out of my own head, and I don't want to be dictated by fear.
Typically it would be this point in the letter that I could tell you about how moving is hard, and the transition is hard, but I’ve also said that over and over again (in several of my sporadic blog posts since my move actually). I'm not saying that those things haven't been my truth because yes all of those things are true there is no doubt about that. But also somewhere along the way, I lost what I wanted Days of Summer to be, and that can be separated from my current circumstances. The brand and vision I created with my fabulous web designer, Jenn, was muddled and confused with trying to be something else. I found myself in a swirl of comparison and self-doubt. I was working so hard to be just like the next blogger on my feed or become this “success.” And honestly I feel so much shame even saying these words out loud, but the part of me that was doing it because it’s what I loved was pushed down deep and I was only doing it to become the next sensation.
Here is what I’ve also learned: shame takes up a heck of a lot of brain space and is exhausting. And it’s 100 percent self-inflicted. Yes, other people can tear you down or speak negatively to or about you- but at the end of the day, it’s what I choose to do with it (also I can only imagine my mom rolling her eyes and telling me she has been telling me this my whole life). I’ve learned that I am my most influential critic. The voice inside my head is nastier than anyone else. SO for someone who preaches about not talking to yourself negatively, I have some work to do.
When I moved to Chattanooga I said to myself it would be a big break for my blog- a new city that is up and coming, space from the bubble I had lived in for so long, new people and new opportunities- it all seemed like this was exactly what Days of Summer needed in order to take off successfully. But it's not the place or the circumstances- it's me. I am what will make the difference from Days of Summer being an idea on paper to being alive and thriving.
So to wrap it all up, I want to find a way to speak positively to myself. I want to get back to what I had envisioned Days of Summer to be. I want to re-discover my creative voice. I want to prioritize self-care. And I wanted to share that with all of you because I never wanted this to be a journey I took alone. I wanted it to be a place I could share and grow and learn from others. I also wanted it to be a place where people who were feeling/experiencing similar things didn't feel alone. I invite you with me as I embark on this journey because I know in all it's messiness and hardness something beautiful and extraordinary will come out on the other side (see what I did there- I used know instead of think! because it's about believing in your own power).
Thanks for taking the time to read this and thank you for your continued love + support! I'll be back up + running and can’t wait to see you soon.